Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Tomorrow, Tomorrow...

I am so stinking nervous right now,
 kind of like I have been all month,
 but now it's REALLY bad.
 Like, sick to my stomach bad.

 Tomorrow at 1530 we will find out
 (cue dramatic music)
 if I am pregnant
 or just still out of whack.

 I asked BE what he would think if it turned out that we got good news,
 and he said, "honestly, I'm scared. Because that would make it real - this little person would be totally dependent on me, and that's a scary thought."

 I used to have this beautiful plan.
 And it was beautiful, BECAUSE it was a plan.
 And plans always make me feel better.
 I'm just Type A that way :)
 I wanted to get married around 22 or 23,
have my first kid around 25,
 second around 27 or 28,
 and maybe third around 31 or so.

 But I had no idea that I would meet BE.
 I had no idea I would become a military spouse.
 I had no idea how much uncertainty there would be in our lives.
 I had no idea that it would be impossible (and downright foolish) to try to conform our lives to a plan.
And so if a baby comes early, 
 I would be happy just to have at least one healthy child
 that could know BE before he starts deploying with his airframe
 and that he could be involved with
 and that we could worship/adore/go nuts over/love.
So here we are,
 we married four days after my 22nd birthday
 and are now looking at our one-year anniversary fast approaching,
 and tomorrow I might get the best news of my life.

 Or, they could look at me and say that I'm NOT,
 and that they don't know why I've had an almost 30-day cycle
 with no period
 and no baby
 and my body is still weird,
 which would be such a disappointment after finding out that my last cycle had gone so perfectly
 tests showed I ovulated, the cycle was 21 days,
 and I thought finally I was becoming "regular".

 We've had some close friends find out the sex of their babies the past week,
 one couple just announced it's a boy today(which I am PUMPED about because I have the PERFECT, CUTEST idea EVER to make for them as a present)
 and it's made my Baby Envy spark anew.
 I want to know what a positive test feels like,
 what tears of joy feel like
 what that news would actually FEEL like
 to know it's my turn this time.

 I hope they will do my blood test tomorrow and tell me right then,
 so at least this huge mystery can be solved.
 Even though my past two hpt's have been big fat NOTs,
 maybe just maybe they were too early
 and it will show on this other test. 
 Otherwise I'll be worried because we can't start thinking about trying again until I have a stinking period,
 and obviously that's not going to come in any decent amount of time.

 So please pray for us that I will be able to sleep tonight
 and not get my hopes up TOO much,
 and that God will make the result what is in line with HIS plan,
 not mine. 
 And also pray that He comforts me if it's a No-Go.


  1. I hear you on baby envy. I found out right around the time I had my miscarriage that Jake's team leader's wife is expecting and due around the time I was. It would have been awesome to have had another woman to be pregnant with.

  2. I'm sending prayers your way!

  3. prayers are coming your way!

  4. praying for you---hubby and i have been ttc for 1.5 years :( we just have to trust God that its supposed to happen when its suppose to happen :/ I have a hard time remembering that too when I am down :) Sending LOVE


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