Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The Art of Being Not Hopeful

There is an art form
 that I think I may never master.
 It's called being Not Hopeful. 
 And I suck at it.
 I do all the things the doctor tells me
 I look at the calendar and calculate days
 I pray almost constantly
 and we try.
 and we try.
 and we try.
 And every month I get disappointed.
 And angry at my body.
 Angry at this process.
 That seems so easy for everyone around me.

 Some days it's harder than others,
 especially now when so many of our friends
 are finding out if it's pink or blue for them.
 As overjoyed as I get for them,
 I still can't help but get jealous.
 Wow that sounds horrible.
 It's not that I'm not happy for everyone else,
 it's just that I spend every day wondering
 how it feels to see a + on a stick
 instead of always a big fat NOT.
 I wonder how it feels to call friends and family,
 and look at cribs and carseats in stores,
 because I actually need them,
 and not just because I wish I did.

 And this month,
 just like every month,
 I find myself getting hopeful.
 The other day, I went to change and I bumped my chest and it hurt,
 when I woke up in the morning on Monday I threw up, and I never do,
 I'm so tired even after a full night's sleep I have to have a nap.
 Since I came off my pill I also haven't had a cycle ever go past 20 days. 
 I'm on day 23 now.
 But I'm so irregular I don't know if I'm technically "late".
 BE says, "oh, you must be pregnant!"
 God do I hope.
 But I don't know.
 It might just be all this stress that is causing it all.
 and no baby.
 I have an appointment again on the 17th
 and if I haven't started yet I will ask for a blood test.
 But the waiting until then is going to kill me.

 Can God not tell when I fall to my knees and cry and beg
 how badly I want this?
 I know it's not decided on my time,
 but still.
 I wish I could learn the art of being Not Hopeful.


  1. Praying for you. I hope you get the answers you want from your appointment.

  2. Your posts always wrench at my heart! I pray that these signs are the REAL signs this time!! Just reading your blog, I can sense that you will make an amazing Mama! Stay strong my friend! Sending you hugs from Virginia!!

  3. Prayers and hugs for you and that you receive the wonderful news your heart so desires...our children are grown, so now I am looking forward to the one day we have future grandbabies.

    Blessings & Aloha!
    I may not get to visit as often with the limited blog time I have, like I may have mentioned, I barely get my one post a week up and do my return thank you visits to those that comment, but I decided to post on my sidebar another blog reading list titled "Military blog buddies" to help me keep up better...and will have yours there.

  4. Oh I will be praying for you! I hope that you finally get the dream you are hoping for! Hugs to you... and never give up being hopeful!

  5. I could have written this post! Well, not the last part of maybe being pregnant, but the rest of it:) It sucks!

  6. Thank you all so much! The majority of my friends are currently happily pregnant so I can't whine to them, so I have to do it on here! The love, support, and prayers mean so much. Love you girls!!

  7. I Hope and Pray that you will get the good news.

  8. Praying for good news and lots of baby dust!!


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