Drumroll, Please!

Wow everyone,

I can't believe I have been this neglectful!

I truly am sorry. 

We have been swept away by so much the past few months,

it's still hard to believe.

First of all, 

BE finished his program and I finally got to pin on those beautiful silver wings.

I don't think I've ever been so proud of anyone in my life!

We also found out we will be a very happy B-52 family!! 

I jumped up in tears when I realized that we had gotten our first choice.

I am so grateful that BE worked as hard as he did through this program

so that his scores would enable us to go where we wanted.

Then, just this week,

we got official notification that after his training

(which will be 8 months in Shreveport, Louisiana)

we will get to stay in Shreveport at Barksdale AFB long-term

instead of getting transferred to the other B-52 base in Minot, North Dakota.

My mom cried when I told her we would be staying close!

We also had our renewal of vows ceremony,

and it was so beautiful!

It was all I ever dreamed, and so so so much more,

probably because while we had all of our family and friends there,

we got to announce that

FINALLY....

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!

I still can't believe it myself.

I think we are both sincerely in shock,

mostly at just how absolutely HUGE God is

and how much more than us He knows. 

We had finally gotten in to see a reproductive endocrinologist,

which was booked 4 months out for a first appointment

(ridiculous)

so we had just decided to lay all our trying aside 

and fore-go all the methods our regular doctors had had us trying

and we said we would just pick back up with whatever the RE told us to do.

Then, days before our appointment,

we found out that we were pregnant. I was at work and went downstairs and had a tech draw blood for me as a favor, and sure enough, when she handed me the paper back,

I swear I expected the millionth negative result.

But there it was.

The most beautiful word I have ever seen.

Positive.

I literally fell to my knees in tears.

All I could do was sit there,

crying and praying with all my heart.

After so long,

all those tearful heartbroken months,

all those disappointing tests,

all our friends' announcements after a month or two of trying

(or not trying at all),

all those nights spent crying into the carpet,

begging God to just tell me why He wasn't making me a mother.

I was one.

To make it even more perfect than it already was,

guess when we are due?

Christmas Eve.

GOD IS GOOD. ALL THE TIME.

Sometimes I think He does it on purpose,

just to remind us of our place in the world.

And I'm so glad He knows better than I do :)

An Ode To Fitting In

This will be a slightly rant-tastic post.

Mostly because I clearly woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Or maybe because I worked six 14-hour shifts this past week.

Or maybe because I'm just frustrated today.

I don't know.

But whatever the reason,

be warned.

Today I really hate it that I can't get pregnant.

I know I talk about this all the time,

and I know this makes me a whiny person.

But today, I'm just mad at the world.

I have seven friends who have already had babies this year,

four more who have announced their happy news all over facebook in the past week,

and five more who are expecting in the next few months.

I am literally surrounded by everyone's happiness but my own.

And it's crushing.

I want to delete my facebook,

just so I don't delete every friend anyway because I'm sick of seeing their hourly baby pictures

or hourly status updates.

I am so sick of failing every single month.

Failing as a woman.

Failing as a wife.

Failing to myself.

For something I can't even control.

Being a military wife makes it even worse,

because you literally don't fit in unless you have a young child.

Our spouse's group online is pretty much just there so people can coordinate playdates

or ask advice of other moms.

Even our adult bible studies that we used to love

are now just playdates for toddlers

or forums for everyone else to talk about how great being a parent is.

Gee, I wish I could contribute to those conversations.

Oh wait. We can't.

So we just sit, and listen, and feel as out of place as we are.

I get asked at my job daily whether I have children,

and honestly I'm sick of responding with,

"no, but it's not for lack of trying".

I thought I had gotten over this.

I thought I had come to some kind of peace with it when we hit the year mark.

I guess I didn't.

I'm bitter.

I'm angry.

I'm sad.

I'm jealous.

I'm resentful.

And I feel like an outcast.

 If someone tells me they are pregnant, my first instinct is to practically shut them out of my life

just so I don't have to live with the daily reminders that everyone else's body seems to function like it should.

When you say, "Being a mother is the best job in the world!"

I think, "I'm sure it is - I wish I knew."

When you say, "I love seeing my husband with our son!"

I think, "My husband should have married someone who could have given him a son."

When you say, "One day it will happen for you!"

I think, "How in the world can you possibly know that?"

When you say, "It's only been a little over a year, you know."

I think, "Obviously you didn't know this pain for a year or you wouldn't say that."

I'm happy for other people,

but at the same time, I'm hurting so much for myself.

I know it's selfish.

But some months, it just sucks.

This is one of them.

This month, I realized that I didn't even allow myself to think I could be pregnant.

I just went and bought pads and tampons,

and prepared myself for Aunt Flo's monthly visit.

I realized this month that I don't even think it can happen for me.

I don't know how people do it,

who actively try for years and years

and live with this disappointment

and don't go insane.

We're barely over a year of trying and I feel like a shattered vase some amateur glued back together,

that is just waiting to fall back into a million pieces again.

I want it so bad.

I crumble to the floor in tears whenever I realize that I have no control over this,

that my greatest dream,

the only desire I have for my life here on earth,

may never come true

and there's nothing I can do about it.

I feel trapped

and helpless,

while I watch 70% of the world around me experience what I may never know.

I have dreams about being pregnant so real I wake up and reach for my belly.

I'm sorry for the rant.

I'm sure my husband is sick of hearing me say all of this at least once a week,

 and there aren't any other friends going through the same thing I can talk to.

Everyone we were trying with this past year got pregnant.

So all I have left is a random rant on a blog every once in a while.

Plus, it's my party and I can cry if I want to, right?

I just hate living in a world of constantly having to put on a smile

and be super happy for everyone else,

when I'm drained inside.

I just want to know how it feels

to not be empty.

One Step Forward

Sometimes

 in love, in careers, in life,

things get hard.

 Lately we have gone through a rough patch

and it hasn't been easy getting out of it.

 I finally got health insurance through my work,

 and could finally go to an OB/GYN of my choosing.

 After telling him our whole story

 he labeled me.

 The one word I have been terrified of hearing for all this time,

 the one I had so much hope I could avoid,

 the one I never wanted to associate with myself.

 Infertile.

 BE couldn't be with me because of his classes,

 so when I came home I told him about the Clomid prescription they've put me on

 the tests they want run,

 the samples they want from us both,

 other treatments that may come down the road.

 But with all the medical jargon,

 some lines got crossed,

 and we had a big misunderstanding

 about when things would be done

 and how much they would cost,

 and it created a sudden fissure in our relationship

 that very nearly destroyed it.

 And may I be the first to say,

 that infertility is one of the worst words you can hear

 when you're not rich.

 Because that word alone means money will have to be put out somewhere down the line.

 A lot of money.

 It's scary.

 The huge-ness of what this diagnosis could become.

 Fortunately we were able to dig our way out of the darkness

and remind ourselves why we decided to do this in the first place.

 Remind ourselves that we are a couple first,

 that our marriage is more important than anything,

 and that we need to get better at communicating.

 This is something we want so badly,

 to be a family,

 but it's stressful.

 I'm hopeful for the Clomid,

 mostly because I'm just trying to stay hopeful.

 Hoping I can still do this myself

 without crazy interventions

 and test after test.

 My new doctor is wonderful,

 caring and willing to undertake this challenge with us,

 even willing to refer us to a reproductive endocrinologist if the Clomid doesn't work.

It has made us confront the difficult questions:

 just how far do we take this?

 Do we eventually talk about IVF,

 or do we say enough is enough

 and look into adoption?

 Those questions fortunately won't have to be answered for a long time,

 but at least we have talked about them.

 We're also still planning our renewal of vows ceremony,

 I had a car wreck the other day so now we have to have those repairs done,

 I'm interviewing for a second job so we can save some,

paying college loans,

 and now wading through this new course of action with getting pregnant.

 It's a lot,

 but I'm heading into it all with high hopes,

 a light heart,

 and a renewed drive.

 We will figure out our way through this

 with smiles on our faces

 and happiness in our hearts.

 Five friends have had children this month,

 and two more will within the next week.

 I'm trying not to be as sensitive about it.

 Mostly because it's too exhausting.

 But nothing changes the fact that I wish I could know how it feels to be pregnant.

 Maybe within these next 6 months

 I will come to know 

 :)

 

The Year of Miracles

Christmas was hard for us. The end of November came and went with no visit from Aunt Flo, and needless to say we were getting pretty excited. I probably jumped the gun a little and started imagining all the fun ways we could tell family when we traveled around for the holidays (how perfect, right?) I could see my whole family gathered in my grandparents' living room, all holding identical boxes that I would make them wait to open until the suspense had properly built up. I watched myself grab the camera to catch every second of their reactions when they opened them to see the little cards I had placed inside that read, "You're going to be a Nana/Grandpa/Great-grandma/Pop-Pop/Uncle!" I could see the tears, the hugs, everything. But instead, Christmas just happened like every other Christmas happens, with no mention of the fact that despite being two weeks late, I had started just before we began our trip. No mention that there was almost a baby. 

The end of the year marked a huge space in time for me - an entire year done and gone and still we are a couple, and not a family. We got invited somewhere for New Year's Eve, but declined to go once we knew that one of the very pregnant girls in our group was going to be there. Not exactly how I wanted to ring in the New Year, staring at someone else's about-to-burst belly. I feel like 2011 passed me by. I got my RN and a job, but other than that, nothing happened. I see peoples' statuses on Facebook talking about all the amazing things that happened to them last year, most of which included babies, and it tears me apart. For the most part, I try to be happy and positive and light about the situation, and I think that's why it always upsets me when I have a down day and I get jumped on for it. Everyone is so quick to remind me of what I do have and the blessings I've been given, as if I don't already know that stuff. It's not that I don't think I'm blessed at all, or that I'm complaining about what I have been given, like a loving husband and a good job, I'm simply saying that it's frustrating, it's tiring, it's saddening to want to complete your family and to have been trying this long and there is still no end in sight, no answers on the table, no way to know if it will ever happen for us. I don't feel like I'm wrong to get down about it once in a while.

This past year, all I've heard is, "Don't worry, it will happen for you soon!" from women as they bounce their toddler on their hip, "God's timing is perfect!" from unmarried young mothers, and, "You know, it will happen right when you stop thinking about it," from women who either got pregnant the first few months of "trying" or have five kids racing circles around the house. I just agree for the sake of not starting an argument and roll my eyes when I turn away. Cliche phrases do nothing to comfort someone whose heart is broken. I know people mean well most of the time, but these days I almost wish I could just lock myself in my house and avoid the whole pregnant world. Like the other day when I saw an EMS worker come into my hospital who had told me a few weeks ago that she couldn't go into a certain patient's room because she was pregnant. I went up to her and asked her how the pregnancy was going and how she was feeling, and she promptly replied, "Oh, I'm not pregnant. My boyfriend and I just decided we didn't want a baby anymore, so I just went and had the surgery and got rid of it." As if that was the obvious thing to do. All I could say was, "Oh" before I had to leave the room to avoid crying in front of all my coworkers. 

Anyone who has ever tried for a baby can tell you that once it's rooted somewhere deep down in your brain, and the motherly instinct has kicked in, you can't NOT think about it anymore. You can't NOT try. Even in a spontaneous moment, when your actions weren't driven by a baby-making agenda or a thermometer on the bedside table, afterwards the thought always is there - "maybe that time was it..." It might not always be your conscious thought, but it's always there, somewhere. I bought my own health insurance through my job just so I could go find a doctor who will actually run a test or at least try to figure out why this year has gone by with no luck. I have an appointment with a new OB/GYN on the 3rd, and I'm just praying that this one is proactive. We also requested a packet of information from an adoption agency, even though I'm hesitant to send it in. My only motivator is that I know how long that process, too, will take. 

I'm hopeful for 2012. So many times passed this year that would have been "perfect" if I could have gotten pregnant - now we get into the territory where my husband's future deployments are inching closer and closer and family members are getting sicker and sicker. I hope that this is the year when we find out we will be more than just a man, his wife, and their dog. I hope that this is the year when all of our prayers get answered and we realize that there was some purpose to all of this heartache. I hope that this is the year when I will know what it feels like to be a mother, to have something greater than myself to live for. I hope that this is the year when our lives change and we finally weep with joy instead of defeat. I hope that this is the year of miracles.

How To "Date" Your Own Husband

So this past week has been pretty rough.

 But it's also been pretty darn great.

 This might be a long post,

 so grab your pumpkin spice latte

 (come on, we all know you've already caved this season)

 and curl up.

 I was not a Christian before I met my husband.

 I attended church,

 even taught Sunday School,

 but was not truly a Christian.

 My husband always has been.

 The night before he left for Officer Training School

 he got re-baptized with me

 just the two of us at our church.

 It was the first for me.

 Since then, I have struggled.

 Struggled to maintain and even grow my faith,

 especially when I thought OTS was going to rip my marriage clean in two

 (and which it very nearly did)

 mostly because of my bad attitude. 

 When he left for the second time,

 it was better.

That time, I didn't blame him.

 Even when I dropped him off at the airport

 and on the way home my very faithful car died in the middle of the street.

 Or the next day when I thought I accidentally forgot the parking break on his mustang

 and was sure it had rolled back into our garage door,

 which was why it wasn't opening.

 And my keys were now locked inside

 because of course the garage door keypad had gone haywire.

 And I called a locksmith

 who took an hour to get into my house.

 And when I then tried to re-enter my garage code,

 and the door opened right up.

 Yep, not even then.

 And then we started trying for a baby,

 and that's been a less than perfect journey.

 But we decided to take some time out of his incredibly busy schedule

 and do a Bible study together

 for the first time.

 Our AMAZING friends/neighbors gave us Fireproof.

 We watched the movie and did week one's lesson.

 I didn't realize my husband was this smart.

 Let me elaborate

 (before you think I'm a total jerk).

 Being a new Christian,

 I suffer from interpreting the Bible EXTREMELY literally.

 And I often way way way get it wrong.

 We were instructed by the study to read a passage,

 the one that talks about how God knows every hair on your head and knew you when you were being formed in your mother's womb;

 how we were fearfully and wonderfully made.

 Well, I turned to BE in a fit of residual baby-anger

 and said,
"Well, see, women were meant to have babies. Otherwise Adam wouldn't have needed Eve.

 So if a woman can't have a baby,

 then obviously God messed up.

 If we are all made in His image,

 none of us should be messed up.

 So that doesn't even make sense."

 To which my wonderful husband replied,

 "No, no. You're missing the point.

 Women were made to be companions -

 the man was not supposed to be lonely,

 so God made him a helper, a friend, a companion.

 You're supposed to be my friend first."

 So I say,

 "Well then why did God give me this intense desire to be a mother,

 if I may never be? If that's not my plan?"

 BE very thoughtfully replies,

 "Well, just because you may never have biological children

 doesn't mean that those feelings are misplaced.

 Maybe your purpose for those feelings is to be a Sunday School teacher,

 and impact children that way,

 or maybe even adopt

 and change a child's life.

 God has a purpose for those feelings,

 even if we don't know them yet."

 Wow.

 Sometimes I think God gave me the husband he did to humble me.

 What an incredible teaching moment that was.

 And the first time that I had really seen my husband become the spiritual leader in our marriage like that.

 What a man I have.

 I never would have looked at those passages that way.

 I would have stayed stuck in my narrow-minded justifications of my anger and bitterness.

 I sat next to a blind man at the hospital today

 waiting on a prescription to be filled.

 We talked about church and God.

 How happy he was - and he was totally blind.

 Said he had hitch-hiked to get to his doctor's appointment,

 and it had taken him three rides.

 And to think I had never thanked God for the simplicity of my health.

 For my circumstances.

 For having a husband and a house and a car and the sight to drive it.

 This has truly been a humbling and teaching week for me.

 BE and I have decided to "date" again - 

 we're going to take Saturdays and do fun things.

 We have some plans for the next few weeks 

 and I'm pretty excited about that.

 A friend of mine who had struggled with conceiving

 told me to look at this situation as,

 "Who do you want to be when you get pregnant?"

 and that changed my perspective on everything.

 I want to be the best person/woman/wife/Christian/friend/daughter/sister that I can be.

 I need to work on myself first.

 And my marriage.

 And God will add in another when he knows I'm ready for it.

 This is my challenge,

 but I think I'm ready.

 

A Letter To Our Child

Dear baby,

 I wanted to write you a little something

 so that you know I think about you

 every second of the day.

 I see other children walking around,

 holding the hands of parents,

 and I wonder how it will feel 

 when you hold my hand.

 I look at your father

 and I wonder if you will have his gorgeous blue eyes

 and dark hair,

 or that one little dimple in his left cheek

 that I love so much.

 I wonder if you will be plagued with my curly hair - 

 and I wonder if you will embrace it

 or resign yourself to straightening it daily like I do.

 I wonder what your very first word will be. 

 I selfishly hope it's "mommy,"

 but I would be happy with it being anything really,

 unless it's "bye-bye" because you hear me have to say it to daddy more often than I would like.

 I was somewhere the other day

 and a small baby looked at me,

 and locked her eyes on me

 for a solid minute.

 It was the deepest stare I have ever experienced.

 And it was like she knew something I didn't.

 It was almost like it was you looking out at me from her eyes.

 It was like a small promise.

 It's been six long months now,

 a whole half a year of trying for you,

 of having dreams of being pregnant with you that I wake up from convinced they were real,

 of falling on my face alone in the living room and praying for you,

 begging God for you through my tears,

 of dealing with the pain of not understanding the plan,

 of hoping.

 I know that Heaven must be an amazing, beautiful place,

 and I know if I were you, I wouldn't want to leave it either.

 I bet Jesus gives great hugs.

 But I'd like to think I give good hugs too,

 and I can promise you that you will be the most loved child

 this Earth has ever seen.

 So do you think you could do mommy a favor,

 and talk to God

 and just let him know that we are ready for you,

 that we want you more than anything, 

 that we desire to raise you in a way that would make Him proud, 

 and that we don't want to wait anymore?

 In the meantime,

 we will keep on waiting,

 and praying,

 and dreaming,

 and hoping,

 and preparing for you.

 And I hope that you can feel our love all this space away,

 and that by the time you come to meet us,

 you will be as excited to be ours

 as we will to be yours.

 I love you already

 more than you'll ever know.

 -Mommy

Lee-Filled Labor Day

Hello loves :)

 First, I just want to say a big

 THANK YOU

 to everyone for the words of love and encouragement

 and congratulations

 I have received

 about my RN and my new job

 (my "yob" as BE likes to call it lol).

 I love the bloggy community

 and the military community

 because we ALWAYS support one another :)

 Also, I finally heard back from the business doing the giveaway,

 so that will be online this coming Tuesday :)

 You're gonna love it!!

(especially if you have kids!)

 In other news, 

 this is our life at the current moment:

lovely, right?

 It hasn't stopped raining for a solid day.

 Our dog

 who is a HUGE wuss,

 refuses to go pee when it's raining,

 so BE and I have been shoving him out the door cruelly

 all day.

 Then he stands there staring back at me like, "why, Mom??"

 

 But BE and I hit up some weekend sales

 and I am pleased to report that I have a few 

 smashing

 new outfits to wear.

 One running jacket at Old Navy

 originally $44 rang up for $8!!!!

 Talk about making a girl smile.

 

 Also, so continues month 5 of baby trying.

 The closer we get to 6 months

 the more worried I get,

 mostly because it means we are that much closer to the dreaded 1 year mark

 and officially getting the "infertile" label.

 I don't know how I will take that.

 It's sad enough having seen almost half a year go by.

 My heart has definitely softened through this trial

 and I feel so much more for the women out there who already feel that pain.

 It really is terrifying to think it may never happen.

 And it gets frustrating,

 when you're "doing everything right"

 and somehow still missing it.

 Most of my friends who are pregnant are showing now,

 and that makes it harder I think.

 The whole Seeing What You Could Have thing.

 But hopefully God will be good to us this month.

 I've kind of been on a roll lately,

 so maybe he could just throw one more teensy weensy little thing in,

 what you think?? ;) 

 Everyone be safe and enjoy your long weekend!!!

 I know we will -

 starting with pizza and movie night

 and laying with the dog

 and listening to the rain :)

Yours Truly, Frustratedly Peeing

So it looks like the story of my life continues to be:

 "Frustration With Military Healthcare: Pensacola Edition".

 I got burned not once, but twice today.

 Went in to tell my Dr. that I am not only over a week late,

 but I've also been experiencing some symptoms of what I think is pregnancy

 or my body is just as stupid as I think it is.

 So I asked for a blood pregnancy test.

 I took a urine one last week here at home and it was a big fat NOT

 and I've heard the blood tests are way more accurate and sensitive

 and can pick up smaller amounts of hcg.

 Well, my doctor just politely smiled at me,

 and refused. 

 He said that he would only give me another urine test,

 which I know will be negative because my one at home was.

 I called my mom and she said her urine tests were showing negative up until a month and a half to two months in with both me and my brother.

 So I know this one will be a NOT as well.

 I'm just so frustrated. 

 So as I sit there on the verge of tears, he looks at me and says,

 "You're only 23. I don't understand why you care about getting pregnant anyway. It's not like your biological clock is ticking or anything."

 Are you serious jerk?? (insert other choice word here. I'm trying to keep this clean).

 So you're telling me that because I'm not staring menopause in the face,

 I should just lay back and not give a crap when I get to be a mother?

 What if I told you I want 3 kids, and the longer it takes to get each one makes the next that much less possible? 

My poor husband sees me about to reach out and deck him right in the eye start crying,

 and says,

 "See, AM just really wants this so bad; we both do. And it's hard for her because all of our friends had really easy times getting pregnant. Or weren't even trying at all. And as of right now she has at least one friend in every month of the pregnancy spectrum. So it's all she ever hears about from people and it gets difficult when it's all we think about."

 I love him.

 It's sexy when a man stands up for his woman.

 But the Dr. just sits there,

 and smiles at me.

 And literally twiddles his thumbs.

 And then he commits the cardinal sin.

 The big mac-daddy.

 The Super No-No.

 My MALE doctor looks me right in my teary eyes and says,

 "I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL."

 I swear I sat there a solid minute

 unable to even believe he just said that

 before I finally responded with,

 "No. No, I'm pretty sure you don't."

 and walked out the door.

 So I went down the hall in tears,

 took my stupid urine test,

 and went home

 and cried to my dog.

 And of course got no call back about my results 

 that I was supposed to get in one hour.

 So now here I sit,

 angry and bitter and sad and a pathetic mess.

 I got the, "come back in 6 months if nothing's happened" order.

 I really don't want to be a constant cry-baby

 or a constant complainer.

 But seriously?

 I really don't know how to end this post.

 I'm just really kind of devastated. 

 I'm so sick of thinking about this.

 And I'm sick of holding other peoples' babies

 and feeling less and less every month like I'll ever hold my own.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow...

I am so stinking nervous right now,

 kind of like I have been all month,

 but now it's REALLY bad.

 Like, sick to my stomach bad.

 Tomorrow at 1530 we will find out

 (cue dramatic music)

 if I am pregnant

 or just still out of whack.

 I asked BE what he would think if it turned out that we got good news,

 and he said, "honestly, I'm scared. Because that would make it real - this little person would be totally dependent on me, and that's a scary thought."

 I used to have this beautiful plan.

 And it was beautiful, BECAUSE it was a plan.

 And plans always make me feel better.

 I'm just Type A that way :)

 I wanted to get married around 22 or 23,

have my first kid around 25,

 second around 27 or 28,

 and maybe third around 31 or so.

 But I had no idea that I would meet BE.

 I had no idea I would become a military spouse.

 I had no idea how much uncertainty there would be in our lives.

 I had no idea that it would be impossible (and downright foolish) to try to conform our lives to a plan.

And so if a baby comes early, 

 I would be happy just to have at least one healthy child

 that could know BE before he starts deploying with his airframe

 and that he could be involved with

 and that we could worship/adore/go nuts over/love.

So here we are,

 we married four days after my 22nd birthday

 and are now looking at our one-year anniversary fast approaching,

 and tomorrow I might get the best news of my life.

 Or, they could look at me and say that I'm NOT,

 and that they don't know why I've had an almost 30-day cycle

 with no period

 and no baby

 and my body is still weird,

 which would be such a disappointment after finding out that my last cycle had gone so perfectly

 tests showed I ovulated, the cycle was 21 days,

 and I thought finally I was becoming "regular".

 We've had some close friends find out the sex of their babies the past week,

 one couple just announced it's a boy today(which I am PUMPED about because I have the PERFECT, CUTEST idea EVER to make for them as a present)

 and it's made my Baby Envy spark anew.

 I want to know what a positive test feels like,

 what tears of joy feel like

 what that news would actually FEEL like

 to know it's my turn this time.

 I hope they will do my blood test tomorrow and tell me right then,

 so at least this huge mystery can be solved.

 Even though my past two hpt's have been big fat NOTs,

 maybe just maybe they were too early

 and it will show on this other test. 

 Otherwise I'll be worried because we can't start thinking about trying again until I have a stinking period,

 and obviously that's not going to come in any decent amount of time.

 So please pray for us that I will be able to sleep tonight

 and not get my hopes up TOO much,

 and that God will make the result what is in line with HIS plan,

 not mine. 

 And also pray that He comforts me if it's a No-Go.

 

Marine Animals and Ovulation

I got good news today,

 after about twenty follow-up phone calls.

 Apparently, according to my progesterone levels they took on Monday,

 I ovulated!! 

 Which sounds really dumb to be this excited about,

 but it means that all these weird things I've been feeling lately

 could very well be pregnancy

 (not that I'm getting my hopes up or anything lol)

 I am terrified of taking another stick test

 and I think I'm going to wait until Wednesday and just let them test my blood

 since that will be much more definitive anyway

 and I don't want to go through seeing another 

 NOT PREGNANT

 screaming at me on a pee stick.

 But at least there is hope now!

 It makes it better because I'm a lot more at peace about things this week.

 Had a good cry or two,

 and got it out of my system. 

 I think I'm ok with God's plan now.

 Or at least I'm trying to be.

 If it's this month, I'll be thrilled,

 and if it's not, then at least BE and I have more time to work and save and plan

 which would be a good thing to.

 Ah the art of "not really hardcore trying but not preventing it from happening" lol

 On another note,
 my husband says the darndest things.
 I wish there was a TV show for that.
I'd win some serious cash.
 Some as of late are:

 Me: "I had the craziest dream last night. We were in a war zone hiding from the enemy in this little room, and you pulled out your phone and had an app that showed where all the soldiers were and that they were coming toward us, and I started crying. And that's when I woke up."
 BE: "Well, you should'a just kept dreaming! Because obviously if I had an app that could track the war, I would have used my other awesome app to call in an airstrike."

After BE beat our neighbor twice in Words With Friends: "You see, when I see her when I'm 50, I can be like, 'Hey, remember that time I beat you in Words? I only won twice, but nobody knows that. So I'm the Champion for all time.' And that's why you quit when you're ahead, baby."

 After seeing a sign by a roadside fruit stand: "Tomatoes that taste like Tomatoes? What else are they supposed to taste like? Feet??"

BE: "Baby, I'm so fat. I look like a whale. Are you ok with the fact that you're in love with a marine animal?"

 BE: "Remember that t-shirt I told you about that says 'White People Are Crazy'? I gotta have it. It's gonna be fantastic."

 BE: "I just really like the way the word polyp sounds. Why is that so weird?"

 BE: "Work is stupid. Naked is better."

 So now that you've gotten a good laugh at the expense of my ridiculous husband,
 I'm going to go study some more
 and laugh as I remember other funny things he says,
 because there are lots of them.
 I'm so glad I married a man with humor :)

Ohhh Stand By Me

I am amazed at how great my husband has been lately,

 mostly because I'm a certified basket-case.

 Emotional wreck, definitely.

 Crazy? Getting there.

 TTC sucks.

 Plain and simple.

 Especially when it seems like every time you pray for babies,

 ten of your friends get them.

 but not you.

 Which is pretty much the story of my life.

 BE probably thinks I'm nuts

 because I drive myself crazy with it unintentionally.

 But I stare at the calendar.

 And bare my soul on this blog lol.

 And he just hugs me every month

 when he comes home from class 

 and I'm sitting there on the bathroom floor

 crying

 because the Tampax Pearl wrapper is still there,

 sitting in the wastebasket,

 the angering proof of another failed month of trying.

 Just sits there, and hugs me, for as long as I cry.

 He's so amazing.

 So here is another one of our favorite songs to dance to,

 and one that I find special these days,

 as I need him to stand by me more and more

 as I get crazier and crazier with this whole process.

 and continue to bear my soul on a blog.

The Art of Being Not Hopeful

There is an art form

 that I think I may never master.

 It's called being Not Hopeful. 

 And I suck at it.

  

 I do all the things the doctor tells me

 I look at the calendar and calculate days

 I pray almost constantly

 and we try.

 and we try.

 and we try.

 And every month I get disappointed.

 And angry at my body.

 Angry at this process.

 That seems so easy for everyone around me.

 Some days it's harder than others,

 especially now when so many of our friends

 are finding out if it's pink or blue for them.

 As overjoyed as I get for them,

 I still can't help but get jealous.

 Wow that sounds horrible.

 It's not that I'm not happy for everyone else,

 it's just that I spend every day wondering

 how it feels to see a + on a stick

 instead of always a big fat NOT.

 I wonder how it feels to call friends and family,

 and look at cribs and carseats in stores,

 because I actually need them,

 and not just because I wish I did.

 And this month,

 just like every month,

 I find myself getting hopeful.

 The other day, I went to change and I bumped my chest and it hurt,

 when I woke up in the morning on Monday I threw up, and I never do,

 I'm so tired even after a full night's sleep I have to have a nap.

 Since I came off my pill I also haven't had a cycle ever go past 20 days. 

 I'm on day 23 now.

 But I'm so irregular I don't know if I'm technically "late".

 BE says, "oh, you must be pregnant!"

 God do I hope.

 But I don't know.

 It might just be all this stress that is causing it all.

 and no baby.

 I have an appointment again on the 17th

 and if I haven't started yet I will ask for a blood test.

 But the waiting until then is going to kill me.

 Can God not tell when I fall to my knees and cry and beg

 how badly I want this?

 I know it's not decided on my time,

 but still.

 I wish I could learn the art of being Not Hopeful.

Thursday Link-Up

Welcome back for the What's YOUR Song? Link-up

 hosted by Goodnight Moon

This week my song is from a band that my husband recently introduced me to

 called the Dirty Guv'nahs

 If you like the Kings of Leon, you will love these guys.

 Also, a cool sidenote,

 If you do like the song, then hit up their facebook page

 or find them

 HERE

 to upload their ENTIRE new album for FREE.

 And who doesn't love free??

 Anyway, I LOVE this song, and even though it doesn't have a cool video 

 I decided I would share it anyway :)

I think it has a great message!

 Also, I'm getting really nervous,

 because coming up on Monday

 I go back to the hospital to get more blood drawn

 This time it's progesterone levels to see if I'm even ovulating.

 Scary, because if I'm not,

 that means we're facing a whole new host of problems.

 And I can't fathom dealing with that.

 The doctor even looked at me at my last appointment and said,

 "Hmm. I don't get it. You're young and healthy, your husband is young and healthy...

 This should be working for you." 

 Yeah. I know.

 I'm crossing my fingers SO HARD that when I get to my next appointment on the 17th

 something miraculous might have happened.

 I feel like I pray about it all the time.

 Even since my Wal-Mart epiphany where I decided I didn't want to go as extreme as plotting my basal body temperature on charts that looked like NASA took ten years designing them

 or denying my husband if our schedule wasn't conforming to "every other day" precisely

 or buying ten different kinds of ovulation predictor kits

 or all this other stuff.

 Yes I want a baby,

 but I also don't want my husband and I's love life to be so structured neither of us enjoys it anymore.

 So we'll see.

 Please keep your fingers crossed and prayers going for us this month

 We want this so bad.

50 Followers!! (And an update)

So yay!!!! First real milestone for the blog reached! I am so blessed to see the big 5-0 finally hit this morning and realize that I am connecting with so many people already. 

On another happy note,

GYN appointment went really well today.

After having waited on this appointment for 5 weeks, I was really hoping SOMEONE would finally give me some answers. 

Luckily the guy understood that (probably when I told him that an almost 6-week period was NOT cool).

So I start labwork tomorrow to check my thyroid levels,

and then on day 21 of my cycle I will have more labs drawn for progesterone

to make sure I'm even ovulating.

Then, I see him back, where he says, "hopefully you'll be seeing me on the OB side instead of the GYN side." He meant well and it was nice, but I just chuckled and said, "I hope." 

I would really like to get pregnant in enough time to where we would have the baby while we were still here at this duty station, and I think once that little deadline passes where it won't matter because it's past the time we'll be here,

I'll probably lose a lot of the stress and that's probably when it will happen lol.

We'll see. I'm just glad that I got a good doctor and he seems to care

and has a plan.

Which already makes me feel better.

So we'll keep trying. 

Until then, this will continue to be my only child:

Not that I mind in the slightest :)

He's pretty darn cute, after all!

Milspouse Friday Fill-In!

Well, I'm sure most of you by now have been a part of the awesome meme sponsored by Wife of a Sailor, but in case you aren't, here's how it goes: head over to her page and answer the questions posed by other milspouses this week, making sure you link back to the blogs that submitted the questions. Then, head back to Wife of a Sailor's page and put your post into the Mr. Linky, and voila! Jump around and meet other military SO's who linked up!

1. If you could have a private concert with any singer, who would it be? Submitted by An Air Force Wife's BlogThat's tough. But if I just HAD to choose, I would have to say Jason Aldean. Hearing him croon out "See You When I See You" would just rip my heart to pieces. It's the song I always play when BE leaves and I'm in a down mood.

2. Is there anything you do to support your family's income? Submitted by Our Life, One Adventure At A Time
Well, at the moment I am studying to take my NCLEX-RN exam to become a licensed RN in the state of Florida... after that I will probably make more than BE lol. For right now I try to work coupons and case lot sales as best as I can and save money for us that way!

3. During your pregnancy (whether past, present, or future), what did you nickname your unborn baby before you knew the sex? Submitted by Explosions of Love
Kind of a sore subject actually. Currently we are having a hard time getting pregnant, despite my constant (begging) prayers for it to happen. Of course, everyone else around me is pregnant though lol. That's the way it goes. But because of that, I would probably just call it a Miracle... when and if I eventually experience it.

4. Have you ever won a blog giveaway? If so, what did you win? Submitted by Mrs. O's Life
Sadly, I have not! I have entered a few though. I should probably try more if I want to win some! I am thinking about doing a giveaway when I hit 50 or 100 readers though!

5. If I looked into your refrigerator right now, what would I find? Submitted by Married to the Army
Lots lol. I just went shopping! I drink a lot of juice, so there's a bunch of that, as well as some leftovers from dinners I've cooked this week. On the other side is DH's beer collection haha! My freezer is a bit better stocked right now though because I got a Food Saver for Christmas and have been using it like it's going out of style this week! Love that thing!