I wanted to write you a little something
so that you know I think about you
every second of the day.
I see other children walking around,
holding the hands of parents,
and I wonder how it will feel
when you hold my hand.
I look at your father
and I wonder if you will have his gorgeous blue eyes
and dark hair,
or that one little dimple in his left cheek
that I love so much.
I wonder if you will be plagued with my curly hair -
and I wonder if you will embrace it
or resign yourself to straightening it daily like I do.
I wonder what your very first word will be.
I selfishly hope it's "mommy,"
but I would be happy with it being anything really,
unless it's "bye-bye" because you hear me have to say it to daddy more often than I would like.
I was somewhere the other day
and a small baby looked at me,
and locked her eyes on me
for a solid minute.
It was the deepest stare I have ever experienced.
And it was like she knew something I didn't.
It was almost like it was you looking out at me from her eyes.
It was like a small promise.
It's been six long months now,
a whole half a year of trying for you,
of having dreams of being pregnant with you that I wake up from convinced they were real,
of falling on my face alone in the living room and praying for you,
begging God for you through my tears,
of dealing with the pain of not understanding the plan,
I know that Heaven must be an amazing, beautiful place,
and I know if I were you, I wouldn't want to leave it either.
I bet Jesus gives great hugs.
But I'd like to think I give good hugs too,
and I can promise you that you will be the most loved child
this Earth has ever seen.
So do you think you could do mommy a favor,
and talk to God
and just let him know that we are ready for you,
that we want you more than anything,
that we desire to raise you in a way that would make Him proud,
and that we don't want to wait anymore?
In the meantime,
we will keep on waiting,
and preparing for you.
And I hope that you can feel our love all this space away,
and that by the time you come to meet us,
you will be as excited to be ours
as we will to be yours.
I love you already
more than you'll ever know.