One Step Forward

Sometimes

 in love, in careers, in life,

things get hard.

 Lately we have gone through a rough patch

and it hasn't been easy getting out of it.

 I finally got health insurance through my work,

 and could finally go to an OB/GYN of my choosing.

 After telling him our whole story

 he labeled me.

 The one word I have been terrified of hearing for all this time,

 the one I had so much hope I could avoid,

 the one I never wanted to associate with myself.

 Infertile.

 BE couldn't be with me because of his classes,

 so when I came home I told him about the Clomid prescription they've put me on

 the tests they want run,

 the samples they want from us both,

 other treatments that may come down the road.

 But with all the medical jargon,

 some lines got crossed,

 and we had a big misunderstanding

 about when things would be done

 and how much they would cost,

 and it created a sudden fissure in our relationship

 that very nearly destroyed it.

 And may I be the first to say,

 that infertility is one of the worst words you can hear

 when you're not rich.

 Because that word alone means money will have to be put out somewhere down the line.

 A lot of money.

 It's scary.

 The huge-ness of what this diagnosis could become.

 Fortunately we were able to dig our way out of the darkness

and remind ourselves why we decided to do this in the first place.

 Remind ourselves that we are a couple first,

 that our marriage is more important than anything,

 and that we need to get better at communicating.

 This is something we want so badly,

 to be a family,

 but it's stressful.

 I'm hopeful for the Clomid,

 mostly because I'm just trying to stay hopeful.

 Hoping I can still do this myself

 without crazy interventions

 and test after test.

 My new doctor is wonderful,

 caring and willing to undertake this challenge with us,

 even willing to refer us to a reproductive endocrinologist if the Clomid doesn't work.

It has made us confront the difficult questions:

 just how far do we take this?

 Do we eventually talk about IVF,

 or do we say enough is enough

 and look into adoption?

 Those questions fortunately won't have to be answered for a long time,

 but at least we have talked about them.

 We're also still planning our renewal of vows ceremony,

 I had a car wreck the other day so now we have to have those repairs done,

 I'm interviewing for a second job so we can save some,

paying college loans,

 and now wading through this new course of action with getting pregnant.

 It's a lot,

 but I'm heading into it all with high hopes,

 a light heart,

 and a renewed drive.

 We will figure out our way through this

 with smiles on our faces

 and happiness in our hearts.

 Five friends have had children this month,

 and two more will within the next week.

 I'm trying not to be as sensitive about it.

 Mostly because it's too exhausting.

 But nothing changes the fact that I wish I could know how it feels to be pregnant.

 Maybe within these next 6 months

 I will come to know 

 :)