Monday, September 19, 2011

And I'm The Only One

Yesterday was very surreal.
 I had a little group of girls
 Girls who were all trying for babies like me,
 girls who understood the sting of each month passing,
 girls who I could call and cry to.
 But now I'm the only one.
 All in a matter of two days.
 I woke up the other day
 and saw one of their announcements on Facebook.
 Then heard from a friend who is two weeks late
 and hasn't been feeling well.
 We all know what that means.
 Then I talked to a friend from college.
 They're prego too.
 So then through my tears,
 I sent a text to one of my best friends
 who has been trying as long as we have
 and said that now we were all that was left,
 but I bet she would be next since all of my other friends
 apparently were drinking some water I couldn't find.
 Sure enough,
 the reply came back.
 She had missed her period,
 but hadn't told me 
 because she knew how bad it would hurt.
 And just like that,
 I was alone.

 I know I can still talk to my friends,
 but I don't want to ruin their happiness
 by complaining about my problems.
 Here where we live
 I'm already that taboo 
 "girl who can't get pregnant,"
 you know, 
 the one that everyone talks about their babies and pregnancies around,
 and then suddenly remember is there
 and freak out like,
 oh crap, we just talked about that in front of her...
 then come the awkward questions about how trying is going.
Just because they don't know what else to say.
 And I don't blame them for that,
 because there really is nothing to say.
 Nothing that wouldn't be awkward anyway.
 And I don't want to be the pity-poor friend.

 It seems like it's either one end of the spectrum or the other.
 I've had people almost afraid to talk to me,
 avoiding the subject completely,
 and then there are the others
 who just call me a "whiner" and tell me that since I haven't been trying
 for X number of years like they have,
 or since I haven't been labeled unable to ever have children yet,
 then I need to just be quiet.
 but I must have missed the memo on when wanting a child
 and being unsuccessful
 turned into a one-up contest.
 I've talked to people who have only been trying for two or three months
 and I still feel for them.
 It doesn't mean you can't talk about your struggles
 just because you're not the person who has been struggling the longest.
 That's not what it's about.
 It's about encouraging each other
 and building each other up,
 and listening.
 I don't care how long you've been trying -
 I'll still talk to you about it,
 I'll still cry with you about it,
 and I'll still try to get through it beside you.
 So I've "only" been trying 6 months.
 It's still six months of a kind of heartache 
 that nothing else in the world can create inside you;
 it's still a terror that it may never happen.

 The best thing I have taken from this whole thing,
 is that my husband and I have grown so much closer.
 We are doing a new bible study together in the evenings,
 we are going out on dates,
 we are holding hands in the car,
 we are connecting emotionally.
 I sent him a message today thanking him for holding me while I cried yesterday
 as I absorbed what had happened.
 I told him that I was so thankful for his hugs and how he tries to understand.
 I told him that I guess if I'm not meant to have babies,
 at least I have a wonderful husband
 and that's more than a lot of women have.
 I also have some amazing women who have stepped up
 and really been my greatest encouragers.
So for now, 
 I'm focusing on what I do have.
 Enjoying my husband.
 Gearing up for my job.
 Going on adventures.
 and still praying.
 Good things come to those who wait - 
 whatever those good things may be.


  1. I'm so sorry. I know, to an extent, how you feel. I think I feel a little broken right now and the only way I'll feel fixed is to have a baby in my arms again. It doesn't help that everywhere I turn there are pregnancy announcements, from blogs I read to my English professor. I just wish it was me.

    But hopefully you'll get your baby and you can be one of the pregnant girls.

  2. I ran across your blog by extreme chance a couple weeks ago and I have been amazed with what you have blogged about because I feel like I'm looking in a mirror! I'm so sorry it's taking a while to bring a baby into this husband and I are now into our 7th month of trying. It's incredibly hard, but it has made me appreciate things more and brought my husband and I so much closer (which I thought was impossible!) Hang in there (easier said than done, I know!)

  3. Wow, how i can relate. My husband and I started trying as soon as we got married, after being married for 4 months, we found out we were pregnant. 2 days before Christmas we went to the doctor only to find out we had a miscarriage. That was 10 months ago, we haven't had any luck. It hurts to see people who accidentally get pregnant and don't have to try. I completely understand your pain. I find comforting in knowing God's timing is completely perfect, He makes no mistakes. He is waiting until the time He sees fit. Thank about how much more we will appreciate it after having to try and wanting is so bad for so long. My husband told me "God's just taking His time to whip up the gorgeous babies we will make" haha. Hang in there. i'm praying for you !

  4. Gosh, girl. I hope you guys get everything you wish for, babies included. However, you are right about that last part- many women would kill for marriages like that.

  5. I don't even know what to say, I just want to hug you and take you out for whatever consoling things you may want or need... i hope that's not creepy! I have tears in my eyes, not because I understand,-because even though we're not trying not to, and we're both almost done with school, I wouldn't be opposed- but partially because I fear not being able to get pregnant when being a Mommy would be the most important thing to me, and also because I know my sister-in-law who has also married into my husband's family, struggles with the same thing. In a family of over 10 nieces and nephews, and extremely fertile sister-in-laws, it breaks my heart when I know how desperately Aimee wants it. I hope that things change for you. That your friends can remember when they were in your shoes and be understanding, and that as this has brought you and your husband together emotionally, that God will bless you with a perfect little bundle of joy. Praying for you two! Keep your chin up and keep us updated!

  6. I've been saying prayers for you! Keep the faith and don't lose hope! Just keep in mind that everything happens in God's time. Even though you want it so bad and you feel like you are just so ready, He must have something else in mind right now. (You'll see it!) Maybe He just wanted you guys to enjoy some more husband and wife time before He throws diapers into your mix! Hang in there.. you're little blessing will come in his or her time!!

    P.s.- Your pictures from the ball ARE GORGEOUS! I LOVE LOVE LOVE your dress!

  7. I've been keeping you guys in my prayers and will continue to do so. It is so wonderful that you and your husband have such an incredible relationship to get through this difficult time and will mean so much in the future! Keep strong in your faith. Wishing you happiness and many blessings!

  8. I am sorry I literally always say this.... I wish you could understand how similar we are. Yesterday I found out a few girls that I know are also pregnant....and I am so afraid that the only thing that they all think is that they can't "be normL happy people" around me because I am the freak that can't get pregnant. And it doesn't matter how long you have been trying it's still a cycle and you are still trying and you are still not pregnant. So for me trying for 1yr 8 mo is hard but I would never make someone like u who has been ttc for 6 months (notice how I didn't say only 6 months :) ) 6 months is half a year!!! That's a long time that's Lmost a whole deployment (for the usmc gals out there) anyways as always hugs and love to u! Keep ur beautiful relationship with ur hubby and I will for sure say NONE of the girls have what you and him have and when you get blessed with a miracle, it will be the most wonderful thing for you guys !

    Xo BW.

  9. I am so glad you found things in your life that make you happy at this point in your life. You have a good attitude and am glad you are carrying on in your work and life and dreaming of a baby that will hopefully come true for you and hubby. Hugs, my dear! And continued prayers as well! :0>

  10. I'm praying with you and for you and for that little one yet to come. HUGS!


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