Yesterday was very surreal.
I had a little group of girls
Girls who were all trying for babies like me,
girls who understood the sting of each month passing,
girls who I could call and cry to.
But now I'm the only one.
All in a matter of two days.
I woke up the other day
and saw one of their announcements on Facebook.
Then heard from a friend who is two weeks late
and hasn't been feeling well.
We all know what that means.
Then I talked to a friend from college.
They're prego too.
So then through my tears,
I sent a text to one of my best friends
who has been trying as long as we have
and said that now we were all that was left,
but I bet she would be next since all of my other friends
apparently were drinking some water I couldn't find.
the reply came back.
She had missed her period,
but hadn't told me
because she knew how bad it would hurt.
And just like that,
I was alone.
I know I can still talk to my friends,
but I don't want to ruin their happiness
by complaining about my problems.
Here where we live
I'm already that taboo
"girl who can't get pregnant,"
the one that everyone talks about their babies and pregnancies around,
and then suddenly remember is there
and freak out like,
oh crap, we just talked about that in front of her...
then come the awkward questions about how trying is going.
Just because they don't know what else to say.
And I don't blame them for that,
because there really is nothing to say.
Nothing that wouldn't be awkward anyway.
And I don't want to be the pity-poor friend.
It seems like it's either one end of the spectrum or the other.
I've had people almost afraid to talk to me,
avoiding the subject completely,
and then there are the others
who just call me a "whiner" and tell me that since I haven't been trying
for X number of years like they have,
or since I haven't been labeled unable to ever have children yet,
then I need to just be quiet.
but I must have missed the memo on when wanting a child
and being unsuccessful
turned into a one-up contest.
I've talked to people who have only been trying for two or three months
and I still feel for them.
It doesn't mean you can't talk about your struggles
just because you're not the person who has been struggling the longest.
That's not what it's about.
It's about encouraging each other
and building each other up,
I don't care how long you've been trying -
I'll still talk to you about it,
I'll still cry with you about it,
and I'll still try to get through it beside you.
So I've "only" been trying 6 months.
It's still six months of a kind of heartache
that nothing else in the world can create inside you;
it's still a terror that it may never happen.
The best thing I have taken from this whole thing,
is that my husband and I have grown so much closer.
We are doing a new bible study together in the evenings,
we are going out on dates,
we are holding hands in the car,
we are connecting emotionally.
I sent him a message today thanking him for holding me while I cried yesterday
as I absorbed what had happened.
I told him that I was so thankful for his hugs and how he tries to understand.
I told him that I guess if I'm not meant to have babies,
at least I have a wonderful husband
and that's more than a lot of women have.
I also have some amazing women who have stepped up
and really been my greatest encouragers.
So for now,
I'm focusing on what I do have.
Enjoying my husband.
Gearing up for my job.
Going on adventures.
and still praying.
Good things come to those who wait -
whatever those good things may be.