And I'm The Only One

Yesterday was very surreal.

 I had a little group of girls

 Girls who were all trying for babies like me,

 girls who understood the sting of each month passing,

 girls who I could call and cry to.

 But now I'm the only one.

 All in a matter of two days.

 I woke up the other day

 and saw one of their announcements on Facebook.

 Then heard from a friend who is two weeks late

 and hasn't been feeling well.

 We all know what that means.

 Then I talked to a friend from college.

 They're prego too.

 So then through my tears,

 I sent a text to one of my best friends

 who has been trying as long as we have

 and said that now we were all that was left,

 but I bet she would be next since all of my other friends

 apparently were drinking some water I couldn't find.

 Sure enough,

 the reply came back.

 She had missed her period,

 but hadn't told me 

 because she knew how bad it would hurt.

 And just like that,

 I was alone.

 I know I can still talk to my friends,

 but I don't want to ruin their happiness

 by complaining about my problems.

 Here where we live

 I'm already that taboo 

 "girl who can't get pregnant,"

 you know, 

 the one that everyone talks about their babies and pregnancies around,

 and then suddenly remember is there

 and freak out like,

 oh crap, we just talked about that in front of her...

 then come the awkward questions about how trying is going.

Just because they don't know what else to say.

 And I don't blame them for that,

 because there really is nothing to say.

 Nothing that wouldn't be awkward anyway.

 And I don't want to be the pity-poor friend.

 It seems like it's either one end of the spectrum or the other.

 I've had people almost afraid to talk to me,

 avoiding the subject completely,

 and then there are the others

 who just call me a "whiner" and tell me that since I haven't been trying

 for X number of years like they have,

 or since I haven't been labeled unable to ever have children yet,

 then I need to just be quiet.

 Sorry,

 but I must have missed the memo on when wanting a child

 and being unsuccessful

 turned into a one-up contest.

 I've talked to people who have only been trying for two or three months

 and I still feel for them.

 It doesn't mean you can't talk about your struggles

 just because you're not the person who has been struggling the longest.

 That's not what it's about.

 It's about encouraging each other

 and building each other up,

 and listening.

 I don't care how long you've been trying -

 I'll still talk to you about it,

 I'll still cry with you about it,

 and I'll still try to get through it beside you.

 So I've "only" been trying 6 months.

 It's still six months of a kind of heartache 

 that nothing else in the world can create inside you;

 it's still a terror that it may never happen.

 The best thing I have taken from this whole thing,

 is that my husband and I have grown so much closer.

 We are doing a new bible study together in the evenings,

 we are going out on dates,

 we are holding hands in the car,

 we are connecting emotionally.

 I sent him a message today thanking him for holding me while I cried yesterday

 as I absorbed what had happened.

 I told him that I was so thankful for his hugs and how he tries to understand.

 I told him that I guess if I'm not meant to have babies,

 at least I have a wonderful husband

 and that's more than a lot of women have.

 I also have some amazing women who have stepped up

 and really been my greatest encouragers.

So for now, 

 I'm focusing on what I do have.

 Enjoying my husband.

 Gearing up for my job.

 Going on adventures.

 and still praying.

 Good things come to those who wait - 

 whatever those good things may be.

 :)