Another Blog Fail

Wow

yet another blogger fail....

I'm coming to realize I'm terrible at keeping up with this thing,

but it's hard to have the heart to let it go

since it's our whole struggle all in one place

and helps me to look back and be grateful.

I can't believe it's been almost a year since we were labeled as infertile

and now we're 8 weeks away from welcoming our baby boy into the world.

I still cry when I think about it,

mostly because I'm amazed that it happened,

but also because I still know so many people out there trying.

It's weird to be on this side of it all.

Now I know how friends of mine felt who had been in my shoes and then gotten pregnant,

how even as happy as you are you feel angry too

that other people are still struggling all around you.

It seems so unfair.

I also feel blessed though that I had that struggle,

because there hasn't been a day that I've taken this pregnancy for granted,

I'm so much slower to complain about anything pregnancy-related,

and I've taken more joy in little things than I have about anything else in my life.

I hope that I'm doing my friends proud

who are still out there praying and hoping and dreaming;

I hope that they know how much I appreciate this,

and how I still pray daily on hands and knees for them to have the same.

I've recently had two very good friends who had been trying finally learn they are pregnant,

and I'm hoping to hear of more. 

This baby has been my saving grace,

my catapult back into my faith,

my determination to become a better person overall,

and the beautiful product of my marriage.

So, I continue to wait for Christmas Eve,

when our son will be born

and I'll finally hold him in my arms.

And don't worry,

the irony of his due date isn't lost on me ;)

Drumroll, Please!

Wow everyone,

I can't believe I have been this neglectful!

I truly am sorry. 

We have been swept away by so much the past few months,

it's still hard to believe.

First of all, 

BE finished his program and I finally got to pin on those beautiful silver wings.

I don't think I've ever been so proud of anyone in my life!

We also found out we will be a very happy B-52 family!! 

I jumped up in tears when I realized that we had gotten our first choice.

I am so grateful that BE worked as hard as he did through this program

so that his scores would enable us to go where we wanted.

Then, just this week,

we got official notification that after his training

(which will be 8 months in Shreveport, Louisiana)

we will get to stay in Shreveport at Barksdale AFB long-term

instead of getting transferred to the other B-52 base in Minot, North Dakota.

My mom cried when I told her we would be staying close!

We also had our renewal of vows ceremony,

and it was so beautiful!

It was all I ever dreamed, and so so so much more,

probably because while we had all of our family and friends there,

we got to announce that

FINALLY....

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!

I still can't believe it myself.

I think we are both sincerely in shock,

mostly at just how absolutely HUGE God is

and how much more than us He knows. 

We had finally gotten in to see a reproductive endocrinologist,

which was booked 4 months out for a first appointment

(ridiculous)

so we had just decided to lay all our trying aside 

and fore-go all the methods our regular doctors had had us trying

and we said we would just pick back up with whatever the RE told us to do.

Then, days before our appointment,

we found out that we were pregnant. I was at work and went downstairs and had a tech draw blood for me as a favor, and sure enough, when she handed me the paper back,

I swear I expected the millionth negative result.

But there it was.

The most beautiful word I have ever seen.

Positive.

I literally fell to my knees in tears.

All I could do was sit there,

crying and praying with all my heart.

After so long,

all those tearful heartbroken months,

all those disappointing tests,

all our friends' announcements after a month or two of trying

(or not trying at all),

all those nights spent crying into the carpet,

begging God to just tell me why He wasn't making me a mother.

I was one.

To make it even more perfect than it already was,

guess when we are due?

Christmas Eve.

GOD IS GOOD. ALL THE TIME.

Sometimes I think He does it on purpose,

just to remind us of our place in the world.

And I'm so glad He knows better than I do :)

Rooms

Wow, 

100 posts. 

I can't believe that I have shared so much of my life with all of you!

Hopes

Dreams

Fears

Sadness

Travel

Everything, really.

I am kind of overwhelmed today.

The sky is blue and cloudless and it's so nice and warm and breezy out.

We will be finding out our platform and where we will go

in 45 short days.

Our vow renewal is in a little over a month,

and we've had some very exciting news this past week

that we can't wait to hopefully share soon.

Our world is about to change,

much like it changed when we got married

when we packed up our little apartment in Auburn

when we both started our careers,

when we found the Lord,

when we got here and learned new road names.

Soon we will be learning everything all over again

and the thought is intimidating,

but exciting at the same time.

It's sad though, to realize that soon our group of friends here will all split up,

everyone will go to their separate planes and bases

and we will never be "this" group ever again.

I am reminded of my favorite episode of House, where a patient tells him,

"I'm going to base this moment on who I'm stuck in a room with.

It's what life is.

It's a series of rooms and who we get stuck in those rooms with

adds up to what our lives are."

We have loved this "room" of our life here in Pensacola.

We loved our room in Auburn.

We loved our separate rooms in Georgia and North Carolina.

And now I wonder if I will end up loving the next rooms in the same way.

Have you ever been stuck in a room with someone and had them say something so profound

it has stuck with you?

In what "rooms" have you learned the most?

I Smell Barbeque

BE and I are hardly ever home.

I got a second job

and he's about to hit the flight line again.

And that means hardly any "us" time.

But here are some things we have done lately:

gone to a bluegrass festival on the water

had two dozen friends over for Easter lunch

spring cleaned

spent the day on the beach

 filled out paperwork for my new reproductive endocrinologist

and tried out a new restaurant.

But these things have also happened:

BE: "You know, it's a good thing that everything you do in the kitchen turns out this good. Otherwise, I'd have to fire you."

Me: "Oh really. And who would you get to replace me?"

BE: "...Colonel Sanders."

singing Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love To You" in the car while parked in the garage at our house just to prove we knew all the words

As I'm bending down to plug in my rolling computer at work:

"Yeah, girl, you plug that thing in!!!"

*moment of embarrassment and shock*

BE: "hahaha did you think I was a patient? Please tell me you thought I was a patient!"

Turning on a romantic song in the car to try to set the mood...

BE: "Hey, do you smell barbeque? I swear I smell barbeque. They must have known I would be driving down this way!"

Me: "Remind me to not try so hard anymore, ok?"

BE: "huh?"

Me: "Just remind me."

So, needless to say, it's been fun lately.

And that's so important when you're busy.

You can be all the busy with life you want, but at the end of the day,

it's important to be busy having fun together too.

And I think we manage that quite well.

 

 

 

 

The Days Go By

It is warming up here in Pensacola

(yay!!)

Unfortunately that means turning on the A/C (yep, I caved)

which means high power bills again already...

I can't believe it's March and I've lived here over a year now.

Something else hit me the other day.

Namely that we have only a few short months left before BE finds out which plane he's on,

which also determines where we move next,

which in turn determines which bases we could be at for the rest of his career.

My heart about stopped when I realized that by Christmas

we will be setting up in a new home

in a new place

in a new state.

WOW.

But you know,

that's one of the cool things about being in the military.

We will have spent our first three Christmases all in different parts of the country.

I get to decorate another house the way I like it,

I get to explore new towns,

I get to experience new climates,

I get to expand my small Southern horizons.

And that is just so darn cool.

You get to keep the friends you've made

and yet still start over fresh somewhere new.

My husband gets to feel fulfilled and do a job he loves,

and I get to experience a life I never would have otherwise if I hadn't married the Air Force.

I just know that God is brewing something amazing,

that he has already hand-picked our next assignment,

is working on piecing together our new chapter together.

 And that just absolutely excites me.

What is something you find neat about the military?

 

Engagement Session

I couldn't be more excited right now!!

I put up my second post on my brand new photography blog

featuring some of my favorite pictures from a shoot I did this past week

of two of BE's and my friends

who are recently engaged!

I think they turned out amazing

(if I do say so myself)

and I'm so excited to finally see the vision of what I wanted to be doing from the start

starting to slowly but surely

begin to take form.

I had so much fun,

and it just made me realize more than ever that this is something I want to stick with.

Since I am still learning,

I welcome feedback,

so please go check out my other blog and let me know what you think!!!!

(oh, and please follow me on there too!)

CLICK HERE!

:)

Spring Has Sprung!

Ahhh

Spring air

Open windows

Short-sleeve shirts

and a puppy happily sunning himself in the yard.

All the makings of a perfect day off!

Which was much appreciated after the crazy weekend at work.

I also had a new toy

:)

I finally bought a 50mm f/1.4 portrait lens.

I saw.

I drooled at the mouth.

I debated.

I caved.

And I think I'm in love.

My poor husband and dog!

They quickly became my test subjects,

and as they rolled their eyes at me,

I happily snapped away.

I am super excited about how well I am getting the feel for my lens,

because I have a dear friend coming into town tomorrow

and I get to do her engagement photos!!

I absolutely can't wait!

Knowing that that was coming up also prompted me to *finally* make myself a site

just for my photography.

I'm hoping it will prompt me to schedule more sessions and really get my passion off the ground

so it can grow into something more.

It intimidates me sometimes

being in a town surrounded by a multitude of established professionals,

many of whom are my friends.

I don't want to go asking them a ton of questions

because I feel like I'm being a bother,

and I don't want them to feel like I'm trying to sink into their market.

Right now my focus is to photograph as many people as I can

so I can get the feel for my camera,

get the feel for directing people,

and get the feel for how this whole thing works.

But I'm enjoying it so far :)

I love being a nurse,

but photography has become a great release for me on my off days

to help me get rid of all the stress I accumulated 

from being in such a high-flow environment all week.

Other than that, things are going great here.

The weather is perking up

and life is good :)

I'd like to invite you to go see the first Spring post on my photography page:

HERE 

and let me know what you think!

 

Special People Deserve Special Somethings

Hey everybody :)

I hope the weekend has left you as rested and refreshed as it has us!!

I think any time I looked over at BE with my typical,

"so....what do we do now?" look,

he promptly replied,

"um...naptime!!"

Sometimes between him and the dog I wonder if I really need a kid ;)

Anyway,

I come to you with a special request.

I mentioned this wonderful family back when I first had my blog,

but now that I have so many more amazing fans,

I figured I would re-spread the word!!

Meet the Prowse family.

They are dear friends of ours (a.k.a. Brinn kept me sane while our husbands were at OTS

and Blandon kept BE sane, and then there's Harper, who is just plain handsome)

and they have the most beautiful family.

But after a long trial with secondary infertility,

they decided to venture into the world of adoption.

Now, they are done with their application paperwork,

AND THEY NEED YOUR HELP!!

I don't usually post things like this, 

so you should know how special they are.

Brinn and Blandon are truly one of the sweetest, most loving, most optimistic, and just plain good-hearted couples we know.

Go read their story

(disclaimer: you WILL need tissues)

and please contact them if you think you can help them

or even if you just want to throw some words of encouragement or prayers their way!

Visit them HERE

ok...now GO!! :)

An Ode To Fitting In

This will be a slightly rant-tastic post.

Mostly because I clearly woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Or maybe because I worked six 14-hour shifts this past week.

Or maybe because I'm just frustrated today.

I don't know.

But whatever the reason,

be warned.

Today I really hate it that I can't get pregnant.

I know I talk about this all the time,

and I know this makes me a whiny person.

But today, I'm just mad at the world.

I have seven friends who have already had babies this year,

four more who have announced their happy news all over facebook in the past week,

and five more who are expecting in the next few months.

I am literally surrounded by everyone's happiness but my own.

And it's crushing.

I want to delete my facebook,

just so I don't delete every friend anyway because I'm sick of seeing their hourly baby pictures

or hourly status updates.

I am so sick of failing every single month.

Failing as a woman.

Failing as a wife.

Failing to myself.

For something I can't even control.

Being a military wife makes it even worse,

because you literally don't fit in unless you have a young child.

Our spouse's group online is pretty much just there so people can coordinate playdates

or ask advice of other moms.

Even our adult bible studies that we used to love

are now just playdates for toddlers

or forums for everyone else to talk about how great being a parent is.

Gee, I wish I could contribute to those conversations.

Oh wait. We can't.

So we just sit, and listen, and feel as out of place as we are.

I get asked at my job daily whether I have children,

and honestly I'm sick of responding with,

"no, but it's not for lack of trying".

I thought I had gotten over this.

I thought I had come to some kind of peace with it when we hit the year mark.

I guess I didn't.

I'm bitter.

I'm angry.

I'm sad.

I'm jealous.

I'm resentful.

And I feel like an outcast.

 If someone tells me they are pregnant, my first instinct is to practically shut them out of my life

just so I don't have to live with the daily reminders that everyone else's body seems to function like it should.

When you say, "Being a mother is the best job in the world!"

I think, "I'm sure it is - I wish I knew."

When you say, "I love seeing my husband with our son!"

I think, "My husband should have married someone who could have given him a son."

When you say, "One day it will happen for you!"

I think, "How in the world can you possibly know that?"

When you say, "It's only been a little over a year, you know."

I think, "Obviously you didn't know this pain for a year or you wouldn't say that."

I'm happy for other people,

but at the same time, I'm hurting so much for myself.

I know it's selfish.

But some months, it just sucks.

This is one of them.

This month, I realized that I didn't even allow myself to think I could be pregnant.

I just went and bought pads and tampons,

and prepared myself for Aunt Flo's monthly visit.

I realized this month that I don't even think it can happen for me.

I don't know how people do it,

who actively try for years and years

and live with this disappointment

and don't go insane.

We're barely over a year of trying and I feel like a shattered vase some amateur glued back together,

that is just waiting to fall back into a million pieces again.

I want it so bad.

I crumble to the floor in tears whenever I realize that I have no control over this,

that my greatest dream,

the only desire I have for my life here on earth,

may never come true

and there's nothing I can do about it.

I feel trapped

and helpless,

while I watch 70% of the world around me experience what I may never know.

I have dreams about being pregnant so real I wake up and reach for my belly.

I'm sorry for the rant.

I'm sure my husband is sick of hearing me say all of this at least once a week,

 and there aren't any other friends going through the same thing I can talk to.

Everyone we were trying with this past year got pregnant.

So all I have left is a random rant on a blog every once in a while.

Plus, it's my party and I can cry if I want to, right?

I just hate living in a world of constantly having to put on a smile

and be super happy for everyone else,

when I'm drained inside.

I just want to know how it feels

to not be empty.

Brick By Brick

How good it feels to write again with a light heart.

 In short, things have gotten better.

Much better.

Both of us have come to terms with the fact that we are making a choice,

a choice to fight.

My choice to not believe him when he said he wasn't in love,

his choice to forgive things from the past,

our mutual choice to decide this wouldn't be the end.

Because you see,

it can't end.

In my moments of the whitest-hot anger,

when all I heard ringing in my ears were all the voices saying,

 "you don't deserve this, you should leave,

he says this or he says that,

you need to just give up"

it seemed easy to accept the worldview that says that it's ok to stop wanting your marriage to work,

 that it's ok to no longer pray "God, please keep us together, please restore our love"

and instead pray, "whatever happens happens".

No!

It's not "whatever happens happens."

Don't you see?

It CAN'T be.

 No matter how much you're hurt,

no matter how easily you could imagine yourself with a new life,

no matter what angry words are said,

no matter what everyone around you says,

it's your MARRIAGE.

And everywhere I looked

trying to justify myself if I gave up and stopped hoping for it to work out,

I only found scripture telling me I was wrong.

It's painful when you've blamed the other person the whole time

and then realize that you had faults too.

Me?? Have contributed to this?? No way!

Yes way.

It's painful.

But it's true.

And once I was done licking my wounds,

I realized that I had no justification to quit on my marriage.

God wasn't going to back me up later.

God wasn't going to look at me and say,

"You know, I would have done the same thing. He was being so mean to you! You were such a strong woman to go be on your own and start over like that, and just kick that jerk to the curb!"

I would get no pat on the back from my Father.

In fact,

I don't think I could have ever lived enough good deeds to justify the fact that I, a human,

had help destroy something God had put together.

"Let no man put asunder..."

And I realized, as hurt as I was,

I still love that man.

And I know he still loves me.

And I've seen so many amazing changes over the past few weeks;

I have watched our love shine through the fog,

I have seen a miracle.

We hold hands again,

we help each other around the house,

we find ourselves fighting to make the other coffee in the mornings,

even when we otherwise could have slept in.

He winks at me across the table at dinner,

I watch his stupid movies.

I write love notes in dry erase marker on his side of the sink,

and he makes me dinner on nights I work late unexpectedly.

GOD MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL.

My faith sometimes stumbles.

I am not a perfect person.

But I am working toward a perfect relationship with the One who has given me everything.

And it is restoring my soul.

Brick

By

Brick.



"Though one may be overpowered,

two can defend themselves.

A CORD OF THREE STRANDS

IS NOT QUICKLY BROKEN."

Ecclesiastes 4:12

The Trick Is...

So I've learned a little trick about marriage recently.

 It's loving an imperfect person...perfectly.

 And it goes both ways,

 this imperfection.

 In the past month we have had to confront our imperfections

both as individuals as well as a couple,

 and it brought out the worst in both of us.

 We were intolerant,

 unforgiving,

 resentful,

 scathing,

 and unhappy.

 Soon that unhappiness that we couldn't place

 turned into a panic to escape it.

 The D-word was thrown out

 and our world spiraled faster than either of us saw coming.

 We were watching, star-struck,

 as our marriage started to crumble.

 We did things purposefully to hurt each other,

 we said things meant to cut to the bone,

 we both emotionally checked out.

And now we're busy trying to put the pieces back together.

 The stress of trying for kids,

 the stress of our jobs,

 the stress of his schedule,

 it was all just too much.

 So we've stopped trying.

 We also have cancelled the wedding,

 which broke my heart,

 but I know it's for the best

 so we can concentrate on us as a couple,

 on what we are going to do to fall back in love again.

Because the D-word should never enter a marriage;

 it's like a black fog that comes in and covers everything

 clouds the mind

 places blame

 makes you lose all that beautiful white fairy-tale love that brought you together

makes you lose sight of the big picture.
We have kept this very private,
 and intend to keep it that way.
 But I wanted everyone to know that I hadn't disappeared,
 and I feel like this will be an amazing testimony in the end.

 But God is working at clearing the fog.

 I haven't stopped praying since it all began.

 Sometimes I got bitter,

 that me, the "baby Christian", was having to carry all the weight of trying to pray our marriage out of this on my own.

 But now I realize it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

 God has entered my life and my heart like I had always wished He would do.

 For the first time in my life, I FEEL Him. 

 Deep down.

 And know he's there, influencing everything, protecting me, giving me grace.

 This weekend we are going on a weekend-long date,

 getting out of the house for a while

 so we can talk on neutral ground.

 Things have been great the past few days,

 but we need some "us" time.

 Time to watch those awful papers finally leave the kitchen table

 and go up in flames where they belong.

 "REJOICE EVERMORE.

 PRAY WITHOUT CEASING.

 IN EVERYTHING GIVE THANKS,

 FOR THIS IS THE WILL OF GOD IN JESUS CHRIST

 FOR 

 YOU."

 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

One Step Forward

Sometimes

 in love, in careers, in life,

things get hard.

 Lately we have gone through a rough patch

and it hasn't been easy getting out of it.

 I finally got health insurance through my work,

 and could finally go to an OB/GYN of my choosing.

 After telling him our whole story

 he labeled me.

 The one word I have been terrified of hearing for all this time,

 the one I had so much hope I could avoid,

 the one I never wanted to associate with myself.

 Infertile.

 BE couldn't be with me because of his classes,

 so when I came home I told him about the Clomid prescription they've put me on

 the tests they want run,

 the samples they want from us both,

 other treatments that may come down the road.

 But with all the medical jargon,

 some lines got crossed,

 and we had a big misunderstanding

 about when things would be done

 and how much they would cost,

 and it created a sudden fissure in our relationship

 that very nearly destroyed it.

 And may I be the first to say,

 that infertility is one of the worst words you can hear

 when you're not rich.

 Because that word alone means money will have to be put out somewhere down the line.

 A lot of money.

 It's scary.

 The huge-ness of what this diagnosis could become.

 Fortunately we were able to dig our way out of the darkness

and remind ourselves why we decided to do this in the first place.

 Remind ourselves that we are a couple first,

 that our marriage is more important than anything,

 and that we need to get better at communicating.

 This is something we want so badly,

 to be a family,

 but it's stressful.

 I'm hopeful for the Clomid,

 mostly because I'm just trying to stay hopeful.

 Hoping I can still do this myself

 without crazy interventions

 and test after test.

 My new doctor is wonderful,

 caring and willing to undertake this challenge with us,

 even willing to refer us to a reproductive endocrinologist if the Clomid doesn't work.

It has made us confront the difficult questions:

 just how far do we take this?

 Do we eventually talk about IVF,

 or do we say enough is enough

 and look into adoption?

 Those questions fortunately won't have to be answered for a long time,

 but at least we have talked about them.

 We're also still planning our renewal of vows ceremony,

 I had a car wreck the other day so now we have to have those repairs done,

 I'm interviewing for a second job so we can save some,

paying college loans,

 and now wading through this new course of action with getting pregnant.

 It's a lot,

 but I'm heading into it all with high hopes,

 a light heart,

 and a renewed drive.

 We will figure out our way through this

 with smiles on our faces

 and happiness in our hearts.

 Five friends have had children this month,

 and two more will within the next week.

 I'm trying not to be as sensitive about it.

 Mostly because it's too exhausting.

 But nothing changes the fact that I wish I could know how it feels to be pregnant.

 Maybe within these next 6 months

 I will come to know 

 :)

 

The Year of Miracles

Christmas was hard for us. The end of November came and went with no visit from Aunt Flo, and needless to say we were getting pretty excited. I probably jumped the gun a little and started imagining all the fun ways we could tell family when we traveled around for the holidays (how perfect, right?) I could see my whole family gathered in my grandparents' living room, all holding identical boxes that I would make them wait to open until the suspense had properly built up. I watched myself grab the camera to catch every second of their reactions when they opened them to see the little cards I had placed inside that read, "You're going to be a Nana/Grandpa/Great-grandma/Pop-Pop/Uncle!" I could see the tears, the hugs, everything. But instead, Christmas just happened like every other Christmas happens, with no mention of the fact that despite being two weeks late, I had started just before we began our trip. No mention that there was almost a baby. 

The end of the year marked a huge space in time for me - an entire year done and gone and still we are a couple, and not a family. We got invited somewhere for New Year's Eve, but declined to go once we knew that one of the very pregnant girls in our group was going to be there. Not exactly how I wanted to ring in the New Year, staring at someone else's about-to-burst belly. I feel like 2011 passed me by. I got my RN and a job, but other than that, nothing happened. I see peoples' statuses on Facebook talking about all the amazing things that happened to them last year, most of which included babies, and it tears me apart. For the most part, I try to be happy and positive and light about the situation, and I think that's why it always upsets me when I have a down day and I get jumped on for it. Everyone is so quick to remind me of what I do have and the blessings I've been given, as if I don't already know that stuff. It's not that I don't think I'm blessed at all, or that I'm complaining about what I have been given, like a loving husband and a good job, I'm simply saying that it's frustrating, it's tiring, it's saddening to want to complete your family and to have been trying this long and there is still no end in sight, no answers on the table, no way to know if it will ever happen for us. I don't feel like I'm wrong to get down about it once in a while.

This past year, all I've heard is, "Don't worry, it will happen for you soon!" from women as they bounce their toddler on their hip, "God's timing is perfect!" from unmarried young mothers, and, "You know, it will happen right when you stop thinking about it," from women who either got pregnant the first few months of "trying" or have five kids racing circles around the house. I just agree for the sake of not starting an argument and roll my eyes when I turn away. Cliche phrases do nothing to comfort someone whose heart is broken. I know people mean well most of the time, but these days I almost wish I could just lock myself in my house and avoid the whole pregnant world. Like the other day when I saw an EMS worker come into my hospital who had told me a few weeks ago that she couldn't go into a certain patient's room because she was pregnant. I went up to her and asked her how the pregnancy was going and how she was feeling, and she promptly replied, "Oh, I'm not pregnant. My boyfriend and I just decided we didn't want a baby anymore, so I just went and had the surgery and got rid of it." As if that was the obvious thing to do. All I could say was, "Oh" before I had to leave the room to avoid crying in front of all my coworkers. 

Anyone who has ever tried for a baby can tell you that once it's rooted somewhere deep down in your brain, and the motherly instinct has kicked in, you can't NOT think about it anymore. You can't NOT try. Even in a spontaneous moment, when your actions weren't driven by a baby-making agenda or a thermometer on the bedside table, afterwards the thought always is there - "maybe that time was it..." It might not always be your conscious thought, but it's always there, somewhere. I bought my own health insurance through my job just so I could go find a doctor who will actually run a test or at least try to figure out why this year has gone by with no luck. I have an appointment with a new OB/GYN on the 3rd, and I'm just praying that this one is proactive. We also requested a packet of information from an adoption agency, even though I'm hesitant to send it in. My only motivator is that I know how long that process, too, will take. 

I'm hopeful for 2012. So many times passed this year that would have been "perfect" if I could have gotten pregnant - now we get into the territory where my husband's future deployments are inching closer and closer and family members are getting sicker and sicker. I hope that this is the year when we find out we will be more than just a man, his wife, and their dog. I hope that this is the year when all of our prayers get answered and we realize that there was some purpose to all of this heartache. I hope that this is the year when I will know what it feels like to be a mother, to have something greater than myself to live for. I hope that this is the year when our lives change and we finally weep with joy instead of defeat. I hope that this is the year of miracles.