Monday, February 13, 2012

Brick By Brick

How good it feels to write again with a light heart.
 In short, things have gotten better.
Much better.
Both of us have come to terms with the fact that we are making a choice,
a choice to fight.
My choice to not believe him when he said he wasn't in love,
his choice to forgive things from the past,
our mutual choice to decide this wouldn't be the end.
Because you see,
it can't end.
In my moments of the whitest-hot anger,
when all I heard ringing in my ears were all the voices saying,
 "you don't deserve this, you should leave,
he says this or he says that,
you need to just give up"
it seemed easy to accept the worldview that says that it's ok to stop wanting your marriage to work,
 that it's ok to no longer pray "God, please keep us together, please restore our love"
and instead pray, "whatever happens happens".
It's not "whatever happens happens."
Don't you see?
It CAN'T be.
 No matter how much you're hurt,
no matter how easily you could imagine yourself with a new life,
no matter what angry words are said,
no matter what everyone around you says,
it's your MARRIAGE.
And everywhere I looked
trying to justify myself if I gave up and stopped hoping for it to work out,
I only found scripture telling me I was wrong.
It's painful when you've blamed the other person the whole time
and then realize that you had faults too.
Me?? Have contributed to this?? No way!
Yes way.
It's painful.
But it's true.
And once I was done licking my wounds,
I realized that I had no justification to quit on my marriage.
God wasn't going to back me up later.
God wasn't going to look at me and say,
"You know, I would have done the same thing. He was being so mean to you! You were such a strong woman to go be on your own and start over like that, and just kick that jerk to the curb!"
I would get no pat on the back from my Father.
In fact,
I don't think I could have ever lived enough good deeds to justify the fact that I, a human,
had help destroy something God had put together.
"Let no man put asunder..."
And I realized, as hurt as I was,
I still love that man.
And I know he still loves me.
And I've seen so many amazing changes over the past few weeks;
I have watched our love shine through the fog,
I have seen a miracle.
We hold hands again,
we help each other around the house,
we find ourselves fighting to make the other coffee in the mornings,
even when we otherwise could have slept in.
He winks at me across the table at dinner,
I watch his stupid movies.
I write love notes in dry erase marker on his side of the sink,
and he makes me dinner on nights I work late unexpectedly.
My faith sometimes stumbles.
I am not a perfect person.
But I am working toward a perfect relationship with the One who has given me everything.
And it is restoring my soul.

"Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
Ecclesiastes 4:12


  1. It's so easy to just give up and walk away. It's hard to obey and keep your vows to your spouse and the Lord. Although we don't know each other, it's truly joyful to read that you are fighting for your marriage, even though it may be hard, and even if you have people encouraging you to just do the easy thing and walk away. The easy thing is rarely the thing that will bring us the greatest joy. I truly believe you will come out on the otherside, closer than you have ever been to GOD and your husband. Praying for you as you seek strength, forgiveness, understanding, and grace in your marriage and most of all in Jesus.

  2. Forgive me for missing all of this. I have been a bit checked out myself. Please know you have my prayers. C and I almost didn't survive our first year of marriage - and that is an understatement - but we FOUGHT for it. And, Lord knows, it was a FIGHT. You fight for what you believe in - and just like you - I would not be the "man" to break up what God put together and I truly, truly believe God joined us as one. Prayers are with you while you fight through. Like Christy said, I, too, believe you will come out on the other side!

  3. Good to hear from you again and am so happy there's positive changes and you will get through this. In good times and bad times, sickness and in health...promises made. God is your head of your marriage. You are joined together as man and wife, in Him! He will bring you through this. Read 2 Corinthians 4:7-15. God bless you both. Life isn't easy and marriage isn't like the movies. It takes work and it's worth it, believe me! Remember love is more than a feeling. It's doing for your spouse what shows love to him/her and in return, honors God as well. :0) Hugs and prayers for both of you!

  4. I think you guys are awesome, and I'm so happy you're making that choice. I hope things get better and better.

  5. I am so happy for you both and that things are getting better. Marriage is so hard and it seems like the easy answer these days is to just quit and start over. I know I've been there and wanted out, many times. But neither of us gave up and we are stronger for it. I love your insight on this and how you turned to prayer to strengthen you both and to get you through this. You both are in my prayers and you are such a wonderful example for so many marriages!


Please remember that if you know us personally, we ask that you not disclose any private information such as names or contact information. Thank you!
Now, show us some love!!